Monday, February 27, 2006

Blood Sucking Butterflies

I met my new best friend today, Shaka-Khan, a myeloma expert (and oncologist). Like his name sake from the early 1800's, Shaka Zulu, who revolutionized the Zulu army's weaponry and its military tactics, Shaka-Khan has perfected several complex drug formations that will outflank and confuse my laughing plasma cells. Shaka's weapon of choice today was a blood sucking butterfly, with lime green wings, silver nose and a transparent thorax. Amazingly the thorax quickly sucked out 15 vials of deep red bubbly blood inducing a hypnotic awe inspiring trance. I thought I was anemic - I am now - I could not have been earlier today!

The poor intern who got stuck with my intake and discharge was so confused, overwhelmed and badgered by the keyboard queens at the checkout window that the quickly growing line all got in a good laugh at her expense. You need requisition A347B for that test, two RP27 direct booking assignment sheets to complete an in house MRI, a runner form 832 so Genie can get a one gallon urine jug from the lab and on and on and on. They had to build a copy machine just for me because I needed to know how many of my future offspring and what part of my kids inheritance I signed away rights to before I would leave. That was 12 pages long, each of which needed to be initialized, notarized, finger printed and sealed with blood.

Isn't life grand. The medical kings and queens try oh so hard to win the battle against entropy.

I closed out the day with a hypnotist for 3 hours. That fixed everything, world peace, hunger, cancer, and poverty, all gone. (for at least 2 of the 3 hours anyways)

Friday, February 24, 2006

Am a Loyd

Today I found out they removed a Loyd from my colon a couple weeks ago. I was not aware of "am a Loyd" (amyloid) tumors until I searched the web. Apparently people with over excited plasma cells often have little friends named Loyd hanging around. I don't know any Loyds, but they must be real party animals. It seems that Loyd may be responsible for stealing all my iron as well. This is just rediculous. We're having a little chat this evening. I think he needs some time in the quiet chair.

Supposedly they echo if you yell at them. So the good doctor Lawrence is sending me to some sort of echo cardio game. I'll let you know if I win any money.

Thursday, February 23, 2006

Cancer Girl

So like so many other mindless adventures on the web, today's happen to cross paths with something interesting: The Adventures Of Cancer Girl.

Now I have created yet another blog to clutter up the net. I happen to write in my exclusive diary... for no particular exclusionary reason. I thought this would be a nice experiment in connected creativity.

I was tentatively diagnosed with multiple myeloma on December 27, just a few months ago. On the 5th of January I was officially overhelmed with X-Rays, strange blood tests and bone marrow biopsy results. I have stage one myeloma.

This is a quest to poke a little humor into myeloma. You can now endearingly refer to me as "My eloma boy" Just what we define eloma to be is yet to realized.

A search turned up "For 30 years Eloma GmbH has been one of the leading manufacturers of combi-steamers and bake-off ovens." I love bake-off's. We had one at our 50's Prom Murder Mystery wedding party - that is a major side track I'm not traveling today. I now want an "Eloma Joker Combi-cooking/Regenerating/Convection Oven"

How about
Please submit to the eLOMA Coordinator for processing at the following address:
Federal Emergency Management Agency, Attn: eLOMA Coordinator
I need an eLOMA coordinator. You have no idea how much advise and info I get every day. I also had no idea that I could submit an Electronic Letter of Map Amendment (eLOMA) to FEMA and possibly get the flood of plasma cells in my home added to the federal flood map.

Your help in acronymizing or otherwise defining eloma would be appreciated.